i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
