I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
