apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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