Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I didn't shave. On purpose
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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