hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
