Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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