The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
