So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
