R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
