I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
