You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
