Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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