whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
