mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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