good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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