everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
