Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
