i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
