My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
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