i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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