Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
