Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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