Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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