Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
