I wish life had little blips of pornography
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
