just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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