...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
