I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
