I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
