Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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