At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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