You're my little dorito
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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