Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
