I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
