hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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