I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
