so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
