Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
