last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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