I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
