Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
