I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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