I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
