Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
