i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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