I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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