Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Less talking, more tequila
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Randomize
