1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
