need another drink. this is the easiest way
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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