thus making me awesome and them whores
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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